This summer has been flying by with so many ups and downs, and I have been so stressed that I have not been able to blog. Recently, a song came on my pandora station, and it inspired me to write again. The lyrics to the chorus were simple, but it provoked so much thought and introspection in me. “I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.”  What is fear? In my opinion, fear is linked closely to three things: uncertainty, trust, and lack of control. When you are afraid of something, it is because there is something about it that you are uncertain of or…

Father’s day is a week from today. For most people my age that means buying a card, maybe a gift, or treating their dad to a nice dinner. For me, the last five Father’s days have been a day to reflect what a great dad my siblings and I lost. This year will be the same, but somehow each year seems to hurt a little bit less. Seeing the Father’s day cards at work does not sting as much. Watching the commercials for gifts for dads is slightly less painful. And looking at the pictures and posts on social media of everyone with their dad does not hurt as much.…

Today, I ran for the first time in months. I would not consider myself a “runner” by any means, but this morning was so beautiful and I was feeling a little down so I decided to go for a run. Something about running makes me feel strong and healthy especially since my diagnosis with kidney disease. I figure that if I can run a mile (or 2 or 3) than I cannot be that sick. Generally, when I run, I will set a goal for myself and map out where I will go ahead of time. I do not time myself, but instead try to focus on distance and endurance.…

Acts 9:1-19 tells the story of an amazing transformation. There was a very powerful man named Saul who used his influence to persecute the early Christians. As he was traveling to another town to arrest all of Jesus’ followers, God stopped him in the road and changed his life. “As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’ ‘Who are you, Lord?’ Saul asked. ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied. ‘Now get up and go into the city, and you will be…

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 Hope is such a precious and powerful gift. I picture it as that first little sprout that comes up from the ground in spring. Although it is small, it promises that something beautiful is coming. Hope is what makes it possible to stay positive in the face of the most impossible situations. It is the promise that, if you can just hang on for one more day, something better might come tomorrow. When I was diagnosed with…

Dense deposit disease, the kidney disease that I have, is very rare and only was discovered about 10-15 years ago. There are a few drugs in clinical trials being tested, but nothing on the market yet that is proven to work. My nephrologist is currently looking into enrolling me in a clinical trial, but, until that happens, he has put me on a daily steroid regimen that he thinks might help my kidneys for now. As a pharmacist myself, I know all about how steroids work and the negative side effects associated with them (bloating, insomnia, high blood pressure, mood changes, and depression to name a few). However, as a…

With my kidney disease, there are not really any outward indicators of disease progression or resolution. I have my blood drawn every few weeks, and, based on the results, we have an idea of how my kidneys are functioning. In February, we were very excited that my kidney level came back better than it had since my diagnosis. I praised God that all of our prayers were being heard and maybe I was going to receive my healing miracle. Recently, I had my labs drawn again, and this time the results were very discouraging. The levels had risen back to where it had been initially. I was devastated. Why would…

“I remember well my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” Lamentations 3:19-25 When I read the first part of this passage, I was like, wow that is 100% me.…

Waking up from a dream about my dad is usually bittersweet. Generally, the dream itself is nothing extraordinary, just us doing something routing at home with my siblings. Even in the dream, however, it feels as though we haven’t seen each other in a while. Then I wake up and reality sinks in. I have not seen or talked to my dad in over 5 years. He passed away suddenly of a heart attack, and I still struggle with regret that I never had to chance to say goodbye. I don’t think I will ever understand the reason God took him from us so soon and without warning. But God…

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16 As a 26 year-old with a chronic kidney disease, I look at my husband, friends, and siblings living their normal, healthy lives, and think what…