Learning from Loss

Father’s day is a week from today. For most people my age that means buying a card, maybe a gift, or treating their dad to a nice dinner. For me, the last five Father’s days have been a day to reflect what a great dad my siblings and I lost. This year will be the same, but somehow each year seems to hurt a little bit less. Seeing the Father’s day cards at work does not sting as much. Watching the commercials for gifts for dads is slightly less painful. And looking at the pictures and posts on social media of everyone with their dad does not hurt as much.

My dad was amazing. Not perfect, but amazing. He worked overnights as a correctional officer, many times working double shifts, and still managed to make every soccer and softball game, every award ceremony, and every major event in my life. He taught me the value of a good work ethic and to be myself regardless of what anyone else thinks. As my soccer coach, he taught me that it is better to be coachable then skilled. He taught me to do my best at everything I did no matter how small or unimportant the task seemed. So many of my values were gleaned from lessons I learned from my dad throughout his life.

Reflecting on the last 5 ½ years, I realize that I have also learned many life lessons from losing my dad. Firstly, I have learned that life is way too short to worry about the small things. He was only given 41 years on this earth before passing away suddenly of a heart attack. It was so completely unexpected, and I learned the hard way that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. So why do we spend so much time stressed out about the latest drama at work or keeping up with the latest trends? These things seem so petty when put into the perspective of our mortality. I have learned to spend the little time I have on earth on the people and goals that truly matter to me.

The second lesson I learned is to hold the people I love a little closer because you do not know when you are going to lose them. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never had the chance to say goodbye and tell my dad how much I love him. Now, every time my husband walks out the door or I leave from visiting family, I am sure to take the time to express my love for them. Because I do not know if that will be the last time I ever see them again. Along those same lines, I value the time I have with my loved ones, and I look for opportunities to spend time with them. When all you have left of someone is the memories you shared, you realize just how important it is to create new memories with the people still in your life.

Recently, I have discovered that when the worst thing happens and it seems like everything is crashing down, one day things will somehow be okay. Never the same but okay. When my dad died, I was consumed with pain. But somehow, somewhere in the past 5 ½ years, my heart has managed to heal. I can function again. I can laugh again. My life was forever changed that day; I will never be the same person that I was. I have a new normal that will always be tinted with a little bit of sadness from my loss. Every life event — my graduation from college, my wedding, buying our first home — is slightly less joyful because he is not there. But I am still moving forward, and each day and each year gets just a tiny bit easier.

For those of you reading this who have both of your parents still with you, please know what a privilege and a gift you have. Cherish your moments together because you do not know what the future holds. And for the readers who have experienced a loss like mine recently, please know that it does get better. Initially, there is a lot of darkness and pain. And it gets worse before it gets better. But each day will be a tiny bit brighter. And one day you will go to bed and realize you did not cry that day. Another day you will realize that you actually were able to enjoy your time out with your friends. You will find a new normal that is a little bit sadder. And you will be okay. Never the same, but okay.