Having Faith

With my kidney disease, there are not really any outward indicators of disease progression or resolution. I have my blood drawn every few weeks, and, based on the results, we have an idea of how my kidneys are functioning. In February, we were very excited that my kidney level came back better than it had since my diagnosis. I praised God that all of our prayers were being heard and maybe I was going to receive my healing miracle. Recently, I had my labs drawn again, and this time the results were very discouraging. The levels had risen back to where it had been initially. I was devastated. Why would God give me hope and then take it away?
The next morning, during my devotional, I read Matthew 17:18-20.

“Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:18-20

I thought, am I not getting my miracle because I don’t have enough faith?
Since my diagnosis, I have been pouring over the healing miracles that Jesus performed while he was here on earth. Many of them have the same theme: the people who were healed all demonstrated faith. In Luke 8:48, He says to the woman healed from a bleeding disease, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” A few verses later, Jesus tells Jairus that he just has to believe and his daughter will be healed. In Matthew 15:28, it says “Then Jesus answered, ‘Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.’ And her daughter was healed from that very hour.” When He healed the blind man in Luke 18:42, He said “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Over and over again, it seems that Jesus never turned away the people who believed He could heal them. So how do I have enough faith to be healed?
Having faith in God for healing is definitely a struggle for me. Although I have heard a handful of testimonies of people being healed from cancer or other illnesses, it seems there are just as many people not receiving healing. Just this past year, a woman from our church passed away from cancer only a few months after diagnosis. She was a faithful, godly woman, dedicated to the church, and everyone prayed for her healing. Why wasn’t she delivered from her cancer? A few months later, a young man, only in his 20s, had a serious illness that put him in a coma for weeks. He was an active member of the worship team and had his whole life ahead of him. Again, the whole church prayed in faith that he would be healed, but he passed away as well. I think of that beautiful October day 5 years ago when I found my dad in our home after his heart attack. As I waited for the EMTs to arrive, I begged God to spare my dad’s life. But he was not healed either. So how can I have faith for my miracle when it seems so uncertain who will be delivered from disease and who will not?

“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:23-24

I wish I could say that I have had a revelation and know all the answers right now on how to pray in complete faith and believe without a shadow of a doubt that I will receive my healing. But this post is more about me being real and saying that this is the struggle I am having. I am reading all the verses I can on faith and hoping that, in time, I will reach the point of complete belief for my miracle. In the meantime, his grace is sufficient for me. Whatever the future holds, whether this is a lifelong disease or I am cured tomorrow, I am closer to God now than ever and am finding a purpose and direction in life that I did not have before. And for now, that is enough for me.

I know that I am not the only person who has struggled with having faith, and I would love to hear any thoughts or insights on this topic. Thanks for reading!